It’s about time for another blog post. I was going to do another real-time album review but I didn’t know what album to review. It has to be something interestingly rubbish but interestingly rubbish is hard to find. I turned to the album charts hoping for a winner but I don’t know what that stuff is…it’s certainly nothing. It’s especially nothing that I want to listen to 12-16 tracks of.
Fun Music Fact: Singer Adele has two albums in the top 50. They’ve both been in the album charts for three and a half years. This is because no one knows what else to get their mum for her birthday.
Maybe the singles chart will work? Let’s see. I’m going to start gently and do only the top 10. If that works next time we will do the top 100 singles and the top 10 albums.
10. Focus – Ariana Grande
I’ve heard of this person. Pressing play.
Immediate handclaps indicate why this is a hit. Beat is stompy. She is singing now and it isn’t very good. Her voice sounds like pâté being spread on plastic. The lyrics seem to be about how she doesn’t want any attention. Oh, I see. There’s some sort of attitudey man rap grunting noise in the chorus to contrast with the generic pop singing. In the chorus Ariana sings “focus on me” over and over again just to clarify that she doesn’t want any attention. There are brass instrument parpings now. That’s it. Stompy parpy pâté.
9. Runnin’ (Lose It All) – Naughty Boy / Beyonce / Arrow Benjamin
Three people in this one. Must be good.
This one is less than four minutes long so that’s extra points. Starts with under watery noise. Beyonce is singing like Beyonce over piano chords. Now she’s flexing those lungs. Projecting. Here comes the goodness…uh…hmm. There’s a weak tinny amen break type beat, like drum’n'bass for babies, over a few major piano chords. There’s a man power-singing now. Presume this is the Benjamin. Think Naughty Boy may be the producer. I reckon Naughty Boy’s thing is piano and beats. You’re not fooling me Naughty Boy, Robert Miles was doing this before you were born. It’s quiet now before the end so we can appreciate the emotions that piano with beats has given us. Beyonce and the Benjamin insist that you’ve not just been tricked.
8. Turn the Music Louder (Rumble) – KDA Ft. Tinie Tempah & Katy B
That is not a promising title.
There’s a nice clean house beat starting this one. Pretty good. Definitely going to be the best bit.
It’s actually fine. Sort of catchy. Boring. It has the classic Man Rap / Lady Sing / Man Rap thing.There’s a buzzy electronic noise going up and down some notes and an “ey oh ey oooh” singalong type bit in the middle to reengage the audience. It’s boring. The video has less than five million views.
7. Never Forget You – Mnek & Zara Larsson
Ah! no. I thought they were related but the dude is just “MNEK”. I wanted them to be brother and sister singing about never forgetting each other. Oh, god. That would’ve been so good! Right, what’s this nonsense then.
The video has a short silent intro which means it is going to be a serious melodramatic song. Zara blurts her face off immediately. Actually nearly made me jump. Her singing is pretty electronic sounding, think the production robot has put quite a lot of effort into embiggening it. She has the electrogirlie sound that the dismal CHVRCHES peddle. Now there is a baby dubstep thing. It’s going to be like this the whole way now because that’s what the kids like. MNEK is doing R&B singing. They will never forget you. But who cares.
6. What Do You Mean – Justin Bieber
This should be like the “It Wasn’t Me” song where Justin is Shaggy and a foreign person is Rikrok. The foreign person would sing in foreign and then in the chorus Justin would pop up and say “what do you mean?”
Let’s see how much like that it isn’t.
Oh gosh. The video is starting like a Drive type crime thriller. This is going to be very bad. Bieber has the cash. We know this to be true. He gives the cash to a shady man and makes him promise not to hurt “the girl”. The shady man gives him a lighter. There is an overly attractive and under dressed young lady in a motel. This must be “the girl”. Justin must sing to her. The piano has started. Ticking clock in the background turns into a plucky bouncy 4/4 beat. Seems to be some sort of electric pan-pipes too. It is a jolly, spineless and fairly catchy song about Justin not understanding what “the girl” means when she says words. The video is very misjudged. Justin has paid for a fake kidnapping of himself and “the girl” so he can rescue her, which will delight her so much that she’ll finally sleep with him willingly rather than reluctantly. After they escape from the fake kidnapping using the lighter they end up at a skate park party where they dance to Justin’s song.
It was very much not like “It Wasn’t Me”.
5. Hotline Bling – Drake
I’ve heard this song. I’m not listening to it again.
4. The Hills – WEEKND
WEEKND seem to be one of those artistically interesting / commercially successful anomalies. I’ve never heard a WEEKND song. This one is at number 4 so it is probably the best one to start with.
Big electronic fuzz noise cut with moaning vocal noise. Man is singing in a dreary R&B way. Big electronic fuzzy bass line. Screaming sample. Higher pitched dreary R&B singing. He is singing about being mean to a lady. Well. If he’s this successful he should just pay for her to be fake kidnapped.Then she’d be so erotically engaged that she wouldn’t give him any cause to be mean to her. Dreary and grotty song.
3. Writing’s On The Wall – Sam Smith
This is the Bond song so I’m marking it down for that. The only acceptable Bond song is Die Another Day by Madonna.
Strings. No surprise there. Piano tinkling. Dreary Singing. His voice is not that good. It sounds muddy even in the falsetto. There’s too much falsetto. It’s too dreary. It’s boring. It’s the kind of music James Bond would listen to.
2. Sorry – Justin Bieber
Okay. I guess. Is he apologising to “the girl”? He really should be.
This one is 4/4 perky bouncer like that other Bieber one but without the grot. It’s fine. It has the Tropical House sound. It has managed to get to number two because of an electronic sighing vocal sample that is in the chorus. It is a C grade song.
I’m marking this one down to D- because youtube went straight to Hotline Bling afterwards.
1. Hello – Adele
Is this one that Bond song from the last Bond film?
No. No it’s not. Could’ve been though.
It’s a piano ballad.
Well. That’s the chart reviewed. It was actually a lot better than doing an album. I see why people listen to the radio now, it’s lots of fun listening to a song of one artist and then a song of another artist. I might do it again but it will have to wait until this lot have cleared out. To finish I’ve done a portrait of Adele’s famous new face that everyone is so pleased with. It will look great next to this blog post on social media.