return to cornwall

Several years ago I went on a several hour holiday to Cornwall and documented it here. This was nowhere near long enough to appreciate everything that the county has to offer so yesterday I went back for several hours to finish what I’d started.

cornwall

On the way down I made a list of everything people do on a perfect holiday.

list

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my review of my year 2014

Here is where I try to get extra mileage out of everything I’ve already done, like a “best of” compilation a tv show might do after only showing 5 episodes and you can remember it all. They’re quite annoying.

January

In January I posted this picture of some nice chard on twitter:

chard

Although I think it was taken the previous autumn. In fact I know it was. It was taken in October 2013 but it doesn’t matter because I posted it onto twitter in January 2014.

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stranded on bowleys lane

Yesterday at 2pm the front of my van had a disagreement with the back of a car in Leicestershire.

bang

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After shock and formalities the car drove away because you can pummel the back of a car and the car doesn’t care. If you pummel the front of a van it cries all over the floor and doesn’t want to drive anymore. You are stranded. Stranded on Bowleys Lane.

Photo0067

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oregon trail live

Long work day made me not want to draw so in retaliation I’m going to try something that subverts the blogging form, to prove that work cannot prevent me from fulfilling my potential. To do this I am going to play the original apple version of Oregon Trail using an emulator at the same time as writing a blog about the adventure.

To set the tone here is a picture of the start up screen:

Now that we’re fully immersed in whenever it is we can begin to prepare for our pioneering journey into the unknown!

04/04/2013 20:04

First I have to decide whether to be a banker from Boston, a carpenter from Ohio or a farmer from Illinois. Apparently this is a difficulty setting so I will be a carpenter because I don’t want to fail but also I don’t want to feel like I didn’t deserve to win. I don’t think a carpenter would make it to Oregon though so I’ll probably die of diseases but definitely not before my wagonmates do. I don’t know why I want to go to Oregon, it’s not even going to be warm.

Naming yourself is easy.

Ahah. I thought we were in the 1800s, there were no Superguys or Poopants before then of course. Missouri is miles away from Oregon. We should probably just stay at home, it’s probably not that bad. Also Florida is closer and there are no mountains in the way so we should go there if we have to go somewhere. We’re leaving in April cos it’s miles and the grass should be growing in April.

Matt is a rediculous name.

Matt, I presume you’re the only retailer around here seeing as you’re selling both oxen and clothes. Don’t be ripping me off like you’re obviously going to. I should really set up a rival shop seeing as you need some competition and I really need not to be going hundreds of miles in a cart. Matt’s avarice going to get me killed and deprive me of all of my money. (Matt also sells food, ammunition and wagon parts)

The music is Yankee Doodle Dandy in midi and it doesn’t seem to be stopping. I may have to listen to Yankee Doodle Dandy for over 1000 miles.

It’s okay it’s stopped. So I bought a bunch of stuff but Matt wouldn’t let me buy the 5 wagon wheels that I wanted so I was unhappy about that.

I’ve begun the trail and I thought a good thing to do first would be to stop and have a chat. A trader told me to swap my food for indian clothes and also pay indians to guide me. People just want me to give give give all the time, what sort of trader tells you to trade with someone else? I hate these people.

More Yankee Doodle Dandy. Horrible.

That was quick. This trailing is easy. I’m going to do this in no time, I just need to make sure I don’t talk to anyone. Music is different in Kansas. Life is great.

Wat? Whatever Rebecca, get out of my way.

The river is only 4 feet deep. That’s pretty much nothing.

going for it…

Kansas music is doing my head in.

Music has changed. It’s a lot worse now. There is a wagon crossing this river already, pretty sure I can ford this one.

Okay Marnie, why don’t we just stay here and concrete over the prarie together. You’re a real downer Marnie.

This river is 2.9 feet deep. That’s like half as deep as the other one.

going for it…

That was the sensible option! Why am I being penalised for this?

I’m suddenly in trouble. Food goes down really quickly. My crew is deeply selfish and I’m getting suspicious. I’m looking at Tomcruise.

Quite jolly music at Fort Kearney. Feels like it’s mocking my food situation. I have changed the portions to “meagre”. Probably a bit late for that seeing as I have no food.

I have gotten nowhere. Need to up the pace. Have changed the pace to “strenuous”. Should probably get some food.

I bought some food at Fort Kearney but it hasn’t lasted long. I think I need to slaughter a crew member. Probably Tomcruise.

Oh god I’m going to die. The music is Auld Lang Syne.

Alonzo you need to quicken up. I suggest “strenuous”. Do you have any food?

Socks! Why did you have to ingest people’s toilet doings? I knew we should’ve eaten Socks while we had the chance. Now she’s all gross. I can’t figure out how to hunt. I have so many bullets.

A bad computer thing just happened and I had to restart. I am attempting to get back to where I was how I did it before. Sadly the first time I tried to recross the Kansas river Poopants, Nice Hat and Socks drowned. That would’ve left me alone with Tomcruise, so I’ve restarted again.

(Broken wagon tongue. Socks has a snake bite)

I lost Poopants and most of my stuff trying to float across the Kanses river. Started again.

(Nice Hat broke her leg. Whilst sitting down in the wagon presumably)

Kansas River

(Socks has a broken arm)

Big Blue River

(Tomcruise has Typhoid)

Fort Kearney

(Poopants has Typhoid)

Chimney Rock

HAHAHAHA YES!

I’m going to begin again proper from here with my beautiful wild fruit. Now life is good again (despite the broken limbs and diseases that the others have) I think I will try hunting because I found out how.

YES!

I love this country. I love my country. What a beautiful country.

Ha, yes. Greenhorns are idiots. You’re alright, mountain man.

Broken axle. Good job I bought 3! Totally predicted broken axle, if not the need for food.

Nice Hat has a broken arm and a broken leg. I think we should eat her but Tomcruise fancies her even though he has typhoid and she can’t stand to be near him.

“De Smet”? Is that a name in America? Music at independence rock is midi version of Young Girl by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.

CUP OF TEA BREAK

This trailing is thirsty work. I suggest you have a rest now too and listen to that Gary Puckett.

MATT!

Snow on the mountains in June. I am surely dead.

I have been given an option to head for Green River crossing or Fort Bridger. I guess this is where I decide whether I am lazy and suicidal or reasonable and boring.

I checked the map and Fort Bridger is miles out of the way. I’m going for the river. 57 miles to the river. This was definitely the right choice.

One of my shoddy oxen is injured. Haven’t heard anything more about Tomcruise’s typhoid. Or Poopants’ typhoid. I wonder if they’re dead.

easy peasy

Oh dear, well maybe you should’ve bought more food you idiot. Everybody knows people eat food. I should probably leave Tomcruise with these guys. They could eat him when he gets better. If he’s still alive.

Green River is over 20 feet deep. Even I’m not that stupid, I’m taking the ferry.

Made it. Had to wait 4 days.

Saucy. Music: When Santa got Stuck up the Chimney.

Lovely. Music: that song about skipping to the toilet.

Doing good. This is a piece of cake.

Poopants has a broken arm. And typhoid still? Dunno.

Native American. I’m bored of wagoneering, no one told me it would go on so long. To be honest I thought I’d be dead by now. I’m going to ford this next river whatever. I think it’d be good experience for the crew. I’m really tired.

6 feet deep. I’m sure we can manage that, we’re experienced river crossers.

I’m counting that as a win. Pioneering is so easy. I’m straight up running for it from now on. The people in the wagon can just shut up.

I’ve spent my last money on not very much food. There is no water around here despite what that larking family would lead you to believe. I think they must eat pioneers, I should be careful.

So selfish. Selfish bragger. What about me? Give me some food!

Big news! Socks has died. This means we’ll have a lot more food to go around. It’s sad I guess but I’m sure it was quick and painless, you know those snake bites.

An ox has died. It’s about time to be honest.

Poopants has another broken arm.

Oooooh wowee. Music: Ob La Di Ob La Da.

Jeez. People are well moany around here. I can’t even bring myself to take a screenshot of what they’re saying. You’d think they weren’t even surrounded by lovely mountains and the beatles.

A thief stole 60 pounds of raw meat from my typhoid ridden wagon. Look at him, it’s the last you’ll ever see of him. What an idiot.

Poor Connie. I bet she was whining right up until the moment she died of broken arms and typhoid.

Nice Hat has a snake bite. That’s good because we are short of food again. Hunting is easy but it takes time. It’s better for people to just die. Although the thought of being left with Typhoid Tomcruise and Paralysed Poopants is not a happy one.

Poopants has measles. Hahaha, what a dork.

Nice. Music: Midi Love Is All Around

Poopants is dead. Good. Oh, when will all the suffering end? What a mad world.

I fear this may be my ultimate choice. I’m going to float. Rivers have been good to me.

Ah dang. I didn’t expect any skill from this game. Right I’m going to have to focus here, I don’t think I can bring you any images of my river journey.

Well I made it. To summarise, I crashed three times and lost hundreds of bullets and some clothes and some stinking meat, none of which I need.

Oooh Aaaah. Music: Horny by Mousse T. Midi version.

Oh. That’s it. It’s over. I’ve made it! Time to start my new life with Tomcruise and Nice Hat. I expect we shall fight over her and one of us will shoot the other. Or she will shoot both of us and eat us when farming proves to be just as hard as it was before. Lets see how many points I have received!

yay.

yay.

That was actually horrible. I don’t think I subverted the form so much as give myself a headache. Anyway, maybe that wasn’t totally boring? I’m going to bed.

04/04/2013 23:37

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