storytelling with steve

stevespielberg

Hi, I’m big shot USA motion picture maker Stephen Spielberg, director of nice popular films such as E.T’s Christmas Vacation and E.T. Pig in the City.

 

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Now, Tinsel Town has been good to me over the years but there have been some movie projects that even I, Stephen Spielberg, failed to get off the ground despite the fact that they would have been nice and popular and it is the great narratives of these ghost movies that I am going to spin to you during the course of this 72 part series.
So please come with me now, on a journey not quite through the viewfinder, as you hear the stories contained within…

 

HGMO

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The story that I am going to tell to you tonight came to me in a dream that I had whilst I was directing the popular motion picture Those Darn Dinosaurs, but I was forced to abandon all hopes of seeing it on the silver screen when it came to light that I had been sleeping when I was supposed to be directing Those Darn Dinosaurs and so I had to direct it all over again. It is the story of City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold II: The Additional Legend of Curly’s Gold!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Picture the scene: A courtroom shrouded in fog. And suddenly there! Up pops the face that delights us so consistently, it is the face of Billy Crystal who is playing big shot cowboy rights lawyer Mitch.

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But the face is shrouded with rage, for some more fog now drifts aside to reveal the man on trial who faces Mitch. A nasty looking man.

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This particular nasty looking man stands accused of pretending to cowboys that the cars that he sells are actually horses and Mitch is determined that this breach of cowboy trust will not go unprosecuted. But suddenly the ghostly face of our old friend Curly appears in a jug of water on the bench in front of Mitch and says “Mitch you old stupid chickenlegged greenhorn, that is the man. The man that murdered me!” Then the face in the water disappears and the face of the nasty looking man changes in front of the court’s eyes. Gasps are heard from everywhere as the features of our old horse riding friend Curly push themselves out from behind the nasty car selling features of the nasty man.

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Mitch rubs his eyes and blinks because he cannot believe his eyes. Curly’s face says “Yes, believe your eyes! It is this man!” Then the nasty face comes back and Mitch picks up the water jug that had Curly’s face in it before and throws the water into the face of the nasty man and he shouts “You pig!”

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Mitch then turns to the judge to tell him to bang up this man but the judge has the face of Curly and the judge says “I sentence this man to death!” and the whole courtroom cheers and Mitch and the judge hug as the nasty man gets led away to be fried up.

Later on the courtroom is empty and Mitch and a jug of water with Curly’s face in it are discussing the legend of Curly’s gold. Curly is not in the judge anymore because the judge had to go home.

Curly: Finally, my death is avenged. You see, I was poisoned all along! I didn’t die of natural causes or whatever. I was murdered for all of my lovely gold!

Mitch: But, my old friend, I don’t understand! I thought we were the ones who found your gold but it wasn’t even real gold but then it turned out that there was some real gold and we found that and then I spent it all on my legal qualifications.

Curly: Shut up! You only found half of my gold. Only a stupid idiot would keep all of their gold in one place. When we were on our last adventure that man burgled my house and stole my gold and then murdered me with poison so that I wouldn’t come after him. But I did come after him after all and now he is the one who is murdered!

Mitch and Curly look lovingly at each other and laugh.

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Mitch: But what now Curly?

Curly: Now we must recover the rest of my gold so that I can rest in peace. We must find my additional gold!

Now we cut to the Wild West and Mitch has rounded up the rest of the gang for one last big adventure and they are all riding nice horses.

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There is the man who was one of the bad guys in the Home Alone movies and there is also the woman and, of course, there is Mitch and tied to the side of Mitch’s horse is the jug of water with Curly’s face in it. Curly is muttering things like “Whoa” and “Watch it ya moron” because the water is sloshing around and spilling a bit.

They arrive at a car lot that is called Nasty Ned’s Rollin’ Horses.

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The lot is full of Nissan Prairies that have fur stuck on them and tails stuffed in the exhaust pipes. Mitch says “Trash the place!” and they all jump from their horses and begin turning cars over and breaking windows looking for clues. Curly is shouting things like “Yeah!” and “Go on, smash it up!”

Later on they are all inside the portacabin office. There is a desk fan purring away, making things atmospheric. Sweat drips from the brows of the panting team as they sift through years of paperwork. The woman picks up Curly’s jug and tops it up from the water cooler and then turns around dramatically and says “There’s nothing here! We’ve been looking for hours and it’s all for naught!”

The group looks dejected. Mitch rests his elbows and puts his head in his hands, staring gloomily down at the desk. He sits like that for just a brief moment for then he stands up dramatically and says “Wait a second, look here!”

Scratched into the top of the desk in a rough nervous hand are these words:

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“Hooray!” they all shout together. They run outside and jump into a Nissan Prairie because it is faster and better than a horse and they speed off into the sunset.

They get to the old abandoned haunted house just after dark. Mitch steps onto the front porch and an ominous creaking sound is emitted from the floorboards that are loose because the house was not built very well and the wood has shrunk over time because it wasn’t properly seasoned to begin with. Mitch raises his lantern as he pushes open the front door to reveal a pile of glittering gold. “The gold!” cries Mitch and steps forward impatiently. “No Mitch, look out!” Shouts the guy that was in Home Alone. He jumps up and pushes Mitch over onto the gold as a booby trap arrow is launched and goes right through the guy and kills him!

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“Oh…No!” Mitch and the woman wail in unison and they start to cry. Behind them the face of the guy that was just killed appears in the water jug next to Curly. “Knock it off you guys” he says in a casual manner and the two that are alive spin around shocked and their crying faces turn into smiling faces. “Hey, get out of here!” Shouts Curly’s face at the other guy’s face and they all laugh.

Mitch grabs a handful of gold and shoves it in his mouth to check that it is real but instead of the bitter tangy taste of metal he gets a delicious throat full of lovely chocolate. “AK!” He cries and spits it out onto the floor. “AHAHAHAHAA!” Comes a nasty laugh from behind. They spin around and there is a jug of water on the doorstep with the nasty man’s face in it.

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“AHAHAHAHAA! You fell into my trap and I have killed up that man just like you killed me and like I killed the other man!”

“You nasty man!” Shouts the woman and kicks the jug of water in the face that smashes all over the porch and dries up.

Curly: We must find my additional gold in order to banish that spirit to hell.

Woman: What if all of his favourite hiding places are also traps?

Mitch: It is unlikely that there is more than one trap. To the old abandoned haunted crashed alien spaceship!

They run out carrying the ghost jug, trampling the smashed glass from the other jug as they go, and jump in the Nissan Prairie that looks like a horse.

They follow the signs to the spaceship and get there just before dawn.

alienspaceship

Mitch pushes open the door to reveal a pile of glittering gold. “The gold!” cries Mitch and steps forward impatiently. “No Mitch, look out!” Shouts the woman and she jumps up and pushes Mitch out of the way as a massive rock ball rolls down the alien spaceship corridor and flattens her dead! “We’re going to need a bigger jug” says Mitch as the woman’s head appears in the jug and they all laugh. “Now time to collect that lovely gold!” Mitch grabs an armful of gold but it just smushes against his clothes with a big brown stain because it is chocolate.

“Impossible!” cries Mitch.

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Mitch runs to the Nissan Prairie carrying the crowded ghost jug and jumps inside. Unfortunately the cup holder, although perfectly adequate for average daily requirements, is not big enough to accommodate the jug and so Mitch has to hold the jug in one hand whilst speeding towards the climbing sun that dazzles his sensitive eyes.

“Argh!” he swerves maniacally and crashes into a sign for the old abandoned haunted Nissan Prairie. Fortunately the safety features on the car are excellent and the deployed airbag slams the jug into Mitch’s chest in an upright position that prevents water loss. Mitch extracts the jug and grimaces with relief at the relieved faces of his dead friends. “Phew! I don’t know what I would do without you guys continually occupying one of my hands.” The ghosts say nothing because they don’t drive the plot and it is too late in the movie to bother with character development.

Despite being a very reliable car, the Nissan Prairie now refuses to start. I expect it has run out of fuel. Now we have a montage of Mitch wandering the desert carrying the jug.

desertlost

The water level is gradually falling, meaning that the water inside is getting colder and the jug is frosty and delicious. Mitch looks at it longingly and then makes an angry and determined face and averts his eyes dramatically. Finally he collapses onto the sand.

Mitch: This is it. Billy Crystal is done for.

Woman: You must drink the water Mitch, we’ll be okay.

Man from Home Alone: Yes Mitch. And we will always be a part of you, especially as you are too dehydrated to wee us out again.

Then Mitch has some lines with Curly about saving their souls/his gold etc. and it is very emotional and they all say goodbye and cry. Mitch drinks the water and it is yummy and then he feels great and throws the jug into the air and shoots it with his cowboy gun and then he runs through the desert to the old abandoned haunted Nissan Prairie.

He arrives at the Nissan Prairie just before sunset.

desertprairie

He looks in the window and sees that it is full of gold bars!

“Holy Moly!”

“AHAHAHAHAA!” Comes a nasty laugh from inside the car’s radiator.

“You again!”

“Yes. You will never get that gold. I have locked the doors!”

“No! The car has excellent security features, I’ll never get inside!”

“No. AHAHAHAHAA!”

Mitch scratches his head and then he has an idea. He takes the keys for the car that he crashed out of his pocket and grins at them in a smarmy way. Then he tries them in the lock. The little plastic knob things all pop up, indicating that he has successfully operated the central locking!

poplock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What?!” Screams the nasty man “But how?!”

“All car keys are the same, I just remembered.” says Mitch “It’s surprising that you didn’t know that, being that you sell cars”

“Arg! I did know it I just forgot!”

Mitch yanks open the car door impatiently and snatches at the gold bars that go all mushy and squeeze through his fingers because they are made of chocolate.

“I don’t believe it” says Mitch “Curly’s gold…it really is supposed to be chocolate!”

A raincloud with Curly’s face in it suddenly appears overhead and starts laughing and raining. Mitch looks up into the rain with squinting eyes and laughs too. Then the faces of the man and the woman also appear in the cloud and they all laugh for ages at the funny joke that Curly played on all of them.

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Then they say goodbye again and cry, as this really is goodbye this time, and Mitch gets in the old abandoned Nissan Prairie that starts first try and he drives off into the sunset all the way back to New York.

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stevespielbergcry

Well, that certainly was a fine tale about Mitch and the gang. It’s a shame we’ll never get to see it in its rightful place up on a screen inside a cinema. But never mind, I’m just extra specially grateful that I got to tell it to you here tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

steveinchair

One more thing before I go. I’m sure you’re wondering what ever happened to the ghost of the nasty man. Well, he certainly got his comeuppance! His soul is now stuck for all eternity inside the radiator of Mitch’s car and now every day when Mitch drives to work to defend his cowboy clients the water inside that radiator gets uncomfortably hot. Some days Mitch swears that he can even hear some upset noises coming from the front of his beloved haunted car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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That’s it for now folks, have sweet dreams and I’ll see you next time for more of…HOLLYWOOD’S GREATEST MISSED OPPORTUNITIES!

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