bodily function review #1: expelling infants function

A bewildered and frightened person has asked me to review childbirth. This will not be of any comfort. I am aware that the subject goes down better when it is coated in a crispy sugary shell but this is exactly why people confronted with the event in real life become inconsolable and so I am going to be as unsympathetic and crass as possible. However, before I begin let me just say that I think no differently of children than I do of any other type of human being that I hate and, similarly, I think no differently of childbirth than I do of any other disgusting and horrifying bodily function. So now that I’ve clarified myself against reprisals I shall begin.

Crispy Sugary Shell

Childbirth is the biological process by which a parasite moves from the larval to nymphal stage of its development through a moulting of the outer parental casing. So in order to explore this topic fully we have to understand the mechanics of the transition as well as the lifecycle of the freeloading organism.







































































Birthing Mechanics


That’s Enough of That

So I guess as I put that this is a review in the title it means that I have to give childbirth a score.

Childbirth: Zero

If you’d like to know about childbirth in more detail you’d best try to put that thought behind you. I couldn’t even bring myself to be as crass as I wanted to. There should’ve been a lot more mucus.




album review #1: daft punk album review

Daft Punk are a couple of robots who drive cars and they make music under the name “Daft Punk”. In order to raise awareness of this I thought I would review their new album that they have. The new album is called Really Access Memories.

Daft Punk have made albums before that you might know about. They made one in the nineties that was called Hometime and it was about how there was a person with a dog head for a head that walked down the street and how people and robots could walk up and down stairs. Then the next one was called Discography in the noughties and it was about cartoons in space. Then the next one was called Human After Eight in the noughties and it was about how they were pretending that they weren’t really robots so they could make boring music and then finally they made an album in the noughties called Tom: Leprosy about robots who ride motorbikes in the noughties.

So now with this new album we have a new chapter in the story of robots. We’d better find out what it is about. I am going to review this in “real time” like 24 so we can experience the sensation together as vividly as you experienced Jack Bauer trying to force someone to eat a towel. I’m not going to post any music or links to music because this should be just exactly like you are listening to it anyway. You could find it somewhere I guess if you were desperate.

I am pressing play now…

n.b. Before we start I should let you know that I have already written it. I’m just going to cut and paste it in here now. I thought I should tell you in case you try to read it whilst listening and it doesn’t exactly match up because although I did write it whilst listening I did also pause a couple of times and have dinner half way through.



The first song is a song called uh, “Give Life Back In Music” and it is a boogie groove song with singing by an infant. The lyrics are “Na Na Naaaa Na Na Na Na; Na Na Na Na Na / Na Na Naaaa Na Na Na Na; Na Na Na Na Na” and the infant has a robot voice. You don’t get infant robots so I think it must be a real infant that has been made to sound like a robot. It is not a particularly good song because I don’t know what it has to do with robots apart from that the infant is supposed to be a robot.


The second song is called “The Game In Love” and it is a sad gloomy song with a twiddly guitar and a poddy poddy poddy sound. The robot is saying about how there is a Game In Love. Robots hate love, it is the emotion that they understand the least because it has the least to do with constructing cars. The robot is obviously sad about not understanding the Game In Love but it is a lie because it cannot be sad. At this point it sounds like it is crying. It is devious and manipulative. I can’t see what this song has to do with the previous song. I don’t know what the story is supposed to be.


This song starts with talking by a man. He is talking about making disco music and then there is a boogie groove beat whilst he is talking. The man says his name is George Ian. After that the song is boring. This song is nine minutes long. Ugh. Uh, so the song is called “George In Moldova” and it has another poddy poddy sound and some clicky sounds as well as the boogie groove but it is more about dance music than disco music. Now there is some strings noise. It is 5:54 and now the song is a bad song. I’m going to skip this song now, it has absolutely nothing to do with robots.


The next song is called “With In”. It is a piano song to begin with and then it is a boring song. The robot is moaning about love and pretending to be sad again. There is nothing else to say. I don’t think there is going to be a story to these songs after all, most of them are just robots who are lying. I’m going to skip it.


This next song sounds at first like the Neighbours theme song and then like a made up indie rock band, like Keane. There is a guitar and drum and keyboard and now some singing. It is poddy poddy and a little but chuggy because there is a guitar that isn’t doing boogy bass or twiddles. The robot is moaning about love and pretending to be sad. When you make the singing man from Keane a robot and then you give Keane one guitar they sing this song. It is fading out now. The song is called “In Stant Crush”.


The next song is called “Lose Yourself In Dance” and it is a boogie groove song but it is a bit slower than the normal ones. There is a man singing, I think the man is called Usher and he claps and sings “lose your self in dance” and claps. At one point the bass stops for four beats and then comes back in, this is because it is in four/four time and so if you make a mistake you have to wait four beats before you are allowed to do anything else. The robots are now singing over Usher. They are singing “come on come on come on come one” and “party on the floor; everybody on the floor” and then their voices turn into guitars and sing too fast to hear what they are saying. I think it is pretty much what they sung already anyway. This is the best song so far because Usher is a person and so I can believe that he wants to dance.


This song starts with widdly electronics and a spooky robot saying “touch” and then “touch I remember touch” and then “touch” and then a robot lady says “touch I remember touch” and then the spooky robot says “wherjuwabiwoor” and then “touch I need something more” then the robot lady says “I remember touch” and then the spooky robot says “I need something more in my mind” and then a man called Paul sings about touching and then it turns into show tunes with a boogie groove and occasional strings and widdlings and now it’s boogie woogie pianos and parpings. Paul has disappeared. This song is eight minutes long. Robots are singing slowly now and it is slow. This song should not be eight minutes long, it is too many songs and it has nothing to do with robots but it is the second best song so far. Now infants are singing about love being the answer. This is the worst song so far. Paul is back now with show tunes to finish. The song is called “Touchin”.


I recognise this song because it is the famous one about getting lucky and it is called “Lets Get Lucky”. Robots are really all about looking after people and so a lucky robot is one who gets to help out a person who really needs some help. In this song Usher is singing about how a girl is out and about all night but it is okay because the robots are there to help her and make sure she is okay. They are hoping she gets in big trouble though because otherwise they have gone out for no reason. At one point the robots try singing but they are too excited so they don’t get on very well with it. This song has a boogie groove and is called “Lets Get Lucky”


This song has Disney strings to begin it but I expect it is about to have a boogie groove. Strings are still going though. Now there is a boogie groove but it is the slowest one yet and a robot is singing about dreaming beyond dreams. You will find your song if you dream beyond dreams. Now it is singing about love beyond love. I don’t have time for this. I skipped to the end. It didn’t change. It was called something.


This album is long when you’re writing about it. This song is slow and has got some clattering and tootling and stuff. It hasn’t really started yet (1:06) and now there is a plucky guitar. It hasn’t started yet (1:53). Uh (2:26) Anyway, this song is called “Motherboardin'” Oh, I think it’s finished (3:20). No, it’s still got some time. It’s got a bit boshy like a tense bit in an action telly drama. Still loads left. It’s stopped again but it is not ending. Now the widdly bit is coming back. I think maybe this song is supposed to highlight how tedious it is to be a robot. Well, I think they could have thrown that in the bin! and the last song. and the one about touching.


Here we go again. This song has the slightest boogie groove yet and some drumming and a man singing who is called Tedd Edward. He doesn’t sing so good and this song sounds old and it sounds like Steely Dan if Steely Dan were boring. I can’t even really focus on what he’s singing, something about shining. I’ll check what it is called. So, it’s called “Fragment In Time” and there are two minutes left. Now there is robot guitar. It is an okay song. The third best so far and that is not counting “Touchin” because that is still the worst song. It’s probably not actually the worst song but the singing children didn’t go down too well at the time. The song is finishing now, I managed to waste the whole time and didn’t have to skip at all! Good song! Next Please!


This song starts with robot voice singing about doing it right and dancing. The song is called “Doing In Right” and it features Panda Boy from Animals Incorporated. It sounds like a Panda Boy song with a hip hop beat and chanting but there is the robot voice from the beginning that is to remind you that the song is really about robots. Robots doing it right I guess. Making small metal objects. All night. Doing it right. Panda Bap is singing about losing your way in the night and how that is how you know that the magic is right. This must refer to what Usher was singing about earlier when the robots stop you getting hurt and that is a magic thing. It has stopped now and it is about to be the last song about robots.


This song has slow keyboards and a USA man is talking. It is an astronaut talking about being in space and stuff. Hang on…no it’s okay, I just wanted to check that it didn’t just do that the whole way through but it’s okay it doesn’t. Now it has widdly electronics and is boshy boshy. Hang on…yes, it is boshy the whole way until it just goes a bit squealy and then there is some static and then it finishes. The song was called something and was not about robots.

Okay so now basically we have to round up the album:

Songs About Robots: 3/13

Songs That Don’t Even Have Names: 2/13

Songs That Should Be In The Bin: 2/13

Songs That Have Panda Bag In: 1/13

Total: 8/13

So that is 62 percent so that is 3.1 stars.

So that’s that.

Actually. It’s 8/52 isn’t it. Hang on…it’s 15 percent, which is 0.75 stars.


oregon trail live

Long work day made me not want to draw so in retaliation I’m going to try something that subverts the blogging form, to prove that work cannot prevent me from fulfilling my potential. To do this I am going to play the original apple version of Oregon Trail using an emulator at the same time as writing a blog about the adventure.

To set the tone here is a picture of the start up screen:

Now that we’re fully immersed in whenever it is we can begin to prepare for our pioneering journey into the unknown!

04/04/2013 20:04

First I have to decide whether to be a banker from Boston, a carpenter from Ohio or a farmer from Illinois. Apparently this is a difficulty setting so I will be a carpenter because I don’t want to fail but also I don’t want to feel like I didn’t deserve to win. I don’t think a carpenter would make it to Oregon though so I’ll probably die of diseases but definitely not before my wagonmates do. I don’t know why I want to go to Oregon, it’s not even going to be warm.

Naming yourself is easy.

Ahah. I thought we were in the 1800s, there were no Superguys or Poopants before then of course. Missouri is miles away from Oregon. We should probably just stay at home, it’s probably not that bad. Also Florida is closer and there are no mountains in the way so we should go there if we have to go somewhere. We’re leaving in April cos it’s miles and the grass should be growing in April.

Matt is a rediculous name.

Matt, I presume you’re the only retailer around here seeing as you’re selling both oxen and clothes. Don’t be ripping me off like you’re obviously going to. I should really set up a rival shop seeing as you need some competition and I really need not to be going hundreds of miles in a cart. Matt’s avarice going to get me killed and deprive me of all of my money. (Matt also sells food, ammunition and wagon parts)

The music is Yankee Doodle Dandy in midi and it doesn’t seem to be stopping. I may have to listen to Yankee Doodle Dandy for over 1000 miles.

It’s okay it’s stopped. So I bought a bunch of stuff but Matt wouldn’t let me buy the 5 wagon wheels that I wanted so I was unhappy about that.

I’ve begun the trail and I thought a good thing to do first would be to stop and have a chat. A trader told me to swap my food for indian clothes and also pay indians to guide me. People just want me to give give give all the time, what sort of trader tells you to trade with someone else? I hate these people.

More Yankee Doodle Dandy. Horrible.

That was quick. This trailing is easy. I’m going to do this in no time, I just need to make sure I don’t talk to anyone. Music is different in Kansas. Life is great.

Wat? Whatever Rebecca, get out of my way.

The river is only 4 feet deep. That’s pretty much nothing.

going for it…

Kansas music is doing my head in.

Music has changed. It’s a lot worse now. There is a wagon crossing this river already, pretty sure I can ford this one.

Okay Marnie, why don’t we just stay here and concrete over the prarie together. You’re a real downer Marnie.

This river is 2.9 feet deep. That’s like half as deep as the other one.

going for it…

That was the sensible option! Why am I being penalised for this?

I’m suddenly in trouble. Food goes down really quickly. My crew is deeply selfish and I’m getting suspicious. I’m looking at Tomcruise.

Quite jolly music at Fort Kearney. Feels like it’s mocking my food situation. I have changed the portions to “meagre”. Probably a bit late for that seeing as I have no food.

I have gotten nowhere. Need to up the pace. Have changed the pace to “strenuous”. Should probably get some food.

I bought some food at Fort Kearney but it hasn’t lasted long. I think I need to slaughter a crew member. Probably Tomcruise.

Oh god I’m going to die. The music is Auld Lang Syne.

Alonzo you need to quicken up. I suggest “strenuous”. Do you have any food?

Socks! Why did you have to ingest people’s toilet doings? I knew we should’ve eaten Socks while we had the chance. Now she’s all gross. I can’t figure out how to hunt. I have so many bullets.

A bad computer thing just happened and I had to restart. I am attempting to get back to where I was how I did it before. Sadly the first time I tried to recross the Kansas river Poopants, Nice Hat and Socks drowned. That would’ve left me alone with Tomcruise, so I’ve restarted again.

(Broken wagon tongue. Socks has a snake bite)

I lost Poopants and most of my stuff trying to float across the Kanses river. Started again.

(Nice Hat broke her leg. Whilst sitting down in the wagon presumably)

Kansas River

(Socks has a broken arm)

Big Blue River

(Tomcruise has Typhoid)

Fort Kearney

(Poopants has Typhoid)

Chimney Rock


I’m going to begin again proper from here with my beautiful wild fruit. Now life is good again (despite the broken limbs and diseases that the others have) I think I will try hunting because I found out how.


I love this country. I love my country. What a beautiful country.

Ha, yes. Greenhorns are idiots. You’re alright, mountain man.

Broken axle. Good job I bought 3! Totally predicted broken axle, if not the need for food.

Nice Hat has a broken arm and a broken leg. I think we should eat her but Tomcruise fancies her even though he has typhoid and she can’t stand to be near him.

“De Smet”? Is that a name in America? Music at independence rock is midi version of Young Girl by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.


This trailing is thirsty work. I suggest you have a rest now too and listen to that Gary Puckett.


Snow on the mountains in June. I am surely dead.

I have been given an option to head for Green River crossing or Fort Bridger. I guess this is where I decide whether I am lazy and suicidal or reasonable and boring.

I checked the map and Fort Bridger is miles out of the way. I’m going for the river. 57 miles to the river. This was definitely the right choice.

One of my shoddy oxen is injured. Haven’t heard anything more about Tomcruise’s typhoid. Or Poopants’ typhoid. I wonder if they’re dead.

easy peasy

Oh dear, well maybe you should’ve bought more food you idiot. Everybody knows people eat food. I should probably leave Tomcruise with these guys. They could eat him when he gets better. If he’s still alive.

Green River is over 20 feet deep. Even I’m not that stupid, I’m taking the ferry.

Made it. Had to wait 4 days.

Saucy. Music: When Santa got Stuck up the Chimney.

Lovely. Music: that song about skipping to the toilet.

Doing good. This is a piece of cake.

Poopants has a broken arm. And typhoid still? Dunno.

Native American. I’m bored of wagoneering, no one told me it would go on so long. To be honest I thought I’d be dead by now. I’m going to ford this next river whatever. I think it’d be good experience for the crew. I’m really tired.

6 feet deep. I’m sure we can manage that, we’re experienced river crossers.

I’m counting that as a win. Pioneering is so easy. I’m straight up running for it from now on. The people in the wagon can just shut up.

I’ve spent my last money on not very much food. There is no water around here despite what that larking family would lead you to believe. I think they must eat pioneers, I should be careful.

So selfish. Selfish bragger. What about me? Give me some food!

Big news! Socks has died. This means we’ll have a lot more food to go around. It’s sad I guess but I’m sure it was quick and painless, you know those snake bites.

An ox has died. It’s about time to be honest.

Poopants has another broken arm.

Oooooh wowee. Music: Ob La Di Ob La Da.

Jeez. People are well moany around here. I can’t even bring myself to take a screenshot of what they’re saying. You’d think they weren’t even surrounded by lovely mountains and the beatles.

A thief stole 60 pounds of raw meat from my typhoid ridden wagon. Look at him, it’s the last you’ll ever see of him. What an idiot.

Poor Connie. I bet she was whining right up until the moment she died of broken arms and typhoid.

Nice Hat has a snake bite. That’s good because we are short of food again. Hunting is easy but it takes time. It’s better for people to just die. Although the thought of being left with Typhoid Tomcruise and Paralysed Poopants is not a happy one.

Poopants has measles. Hahaha, what a dork.

Nice. Music: Midi Love Is All Around

Poopants is dead. Good. Oh, when will all the suffering end? What a mad world.

I fear this may be my ultimate choice. I’m going to float. Rivers have been good to me.

Ah dang. I didn’t expect any skill from this game. Right I’m going to have to focus here, I don’t think I can bring you any images of my river journey.

Well I made it. To summarise, I crashed three times and lost hundreds of bullets and some clothes and some stinking meat, none of which I need.

Oooh Aaaah. Music: Horny by Mousse T. Midi version.

Oh. That’s it. It’s over. I’ve made it! Time to start my new life with Tomcruise and Nice Hat. I expect we shall fight over her and one of us will shoot the other. Or she will shoot both of us and eat us when farming proves to be just as hard as it was before. Lets see how many points I have received!



That was actually horrible. I don’t think I subverted the form so much as give myself a headache. Anyway, maybe that wasn’t totally boring? I’m going to bed.

04/04/2013 23:37