bodily function review #1: expelling infants function

A bewildered and frightened person has asked me to review childbirth. This will not be of any comfort. I am aware that the subject goes down better when it is coated in a crispy sugary shell but this is exactly why people confronted with the event in real life become inconsolable and so I am going to be as unsympathetic and crass as possible. However, before I begin let me just say that I think no differently of children than I do of any other type of human being that I hate and, similarly, I think no differently of childbirth than I do of any other disgusting and horrifying bodily function. So now that I’ve clarified myself against reprisals I shall begin.

Crispy Sugary Shell

Childbirth is the biological process by which a parasite moves from the larval to nymphal stage of its development through a moulting of the outer parental casing. So in order to explore this topic fully we have to understand the mechanics of the transition as well as the lifecycle of the freeloading organism.







































































Birthing Mechanics


That’s Enough of That

So I guess as I put that this is a review in the title it means that I have to give childbirth a score.

Childbirth: Zero

If you’d like to know about childbirth in more detail you’d best try to put that thought behind you. I couldn’t even bring myself to be as crass as I wanted to. There should’ve been a lot more mucus.


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