album review #2: usher album review

I only this second realised that Usher even made an album this year. That’s really bad because I love Daft Punk so much and their album would’ve been nothing without him. Usher (real name Colin Farrell) has called his new album G I R L, which is capitals for girl. I’m excited to finally have the chance to review the album and am grateful for the opportunity. I know it’s late but I won’t let you down I promise.


This album is going to be a pop R ‘n’ B album, which means you have to forget everything you learnt before (in the Daft Punk review) about robots because pop R ‘n’ B is exclusively about emotions. Specifically it is about the emotion of how much you like girls (G I R L S)

Once again I am going to do my review in real time, like episode 6188 of Neighbours.

n.b. As I’ve never listened to this before there’s a chance I might become so overwrought with emotions about girls that in my eagerness to type I end up mashing my fingers blindly against the keyboard. If the letters start to seem crazy to you then that’s why. Pressing play now…


1. This first track is called Marilyn Munroe, like the GIRL actor, and it starts with surprise strings going up and down picturesquely like it’s little house on the prairie and then Colin says “different” and then there are beats. Colin is singing about how he can’t help liking GIRLS and in the chorus he is singing to his diary about how he wants a different GIRL but not necessarily one that is an actor, ancient egyptian pharoah or historical catholic french soldier, just a GIRL that’s different. I guess. GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL, he says. Now it’s half way through and there’s just plain beats and a dial tone…a british GIRL says a thing…chorus chorus…GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL. It was a fine song about trying to like GIRLS.

2. This song starts with monkey impressions and the message is about winners and quitters and dancing having something to do with cactuses and sand?…uh, the music is upbeat dance rhythm with grotty chippy horn parps and Justin Timberlake is singing too high to know what he’s singing about. it’s texting and bags I think…like the text in the morning? Newspapers. Mostly I’m confused about this. Colin is quite keen on thanking somebody for a good morning…I think he’s thanking Justin but he also sings “GIRL” just in case we think that he’s in an adult relationship with Justin. I think that’s the only GIRL in the song, which is pretty shocking. It’s fading out now thank goodness. I didn’t enjoy that very much. it was called Brand New Featuring Justin Timberlake.

3. This is a simple song called Hunter and it is light changalang funk guitar going round and round with singing over it. The singing is again too high to listen to. Colin’s singing isn’t very good…it’s stupid singing. He’s singing about his love to his baby. His love is something. His love is Colin. He’s going on about pestering GIRLS at night, giving them Colin and then taxidermying them and nailing them to the wall because he’s a hunter. It’s a stupid song. It’s going now.

4. This song is called Gush and it is grotty and boring. Colin wants to set GIRLS on fire and get them to set themselves on fire. He also wants to make their heads “goosh”. Gooshing heads is probably something to do with taxidermy. There are strings now to add emotions near the end, like it’s putting grot in a landscape. A puppy yaps in the background the whole way through. The puppy is alone. Colin has left it by the bins because he saw a GIRL.

5. This song is all chippy and jolly and called Happy. Colin is insisting that he’s happy. He sings “happy” in a long whine, harmonising with himself and says stuff about happiness underneath it. It’s good. Being happy. He’s not mentioned GIRLS once and as far as I can tell he’s just singing about clapping and being happy, which is genuinely fine. Nice even. That’s it really. it’s good that these songs are short.

6. This song starts with changalang guitar and booping electronic bass noise and clapping and mouth shouts like “hey” and “come on”. Colin is singing about popping a wheelie on his bike whilst sneering at GIRLS. The GIRLS like it. The song is called Come Get It Bae and “bae” is probably referring to the aeronautics and arms manufacturer BAE Systems because Colin can “do anything they need”. A GIRL is now singing about sugar whist Colin teaches her about clutch control. I don’t know what’s happening. This is the worst song.

7. Ugh, right. This song has got funk strings and junk in it and it’s all cloppy and then there’s suddenly robots like in Daft Punk because it is supposed to be Daft Punk but you can tell it’s just Colin. I don’t know what he’s singing about, I can’t hear a word he’s saying on any of these songs. It’s towards the end now and even Colin is bored and you can tell he’s just wandered off. There are voices in the background but you can’t hear what they’re saying. Colin comes back, puts his “hands in the air” and sings “yeah” and then it fades out. It was called Gust of Wind totally appropriately.

8. This song starts with african style humming like it’s Paul Simon but then Colin starts singing over bopping bongo type drums and it’s boring. He’s singing in his normal speaking pitch and even that’s hard to hear because it’s so intolerably boring. There are constant “hey hey” type mouth noises in the background. Now it’s faded out to just beach wave noises and there are still four minutes to go…maybe that’s it. Maybe he’s fallen asleep on his li-lo and now he’s miles away. No he’s singing again. There was another song hidden at the end. It’s different but the same in that it’s rubbish. He’s singing that he’s a freak…I’ve drifted off completely. Reading wikipedia. The ninth song is on now, super super light pop reggae. There are some quotes from Colin in wikipedia. He says that this is the record he always dreamt of making and he knew it would be called G I R L because writing it like that looks weird and society is unbalanced and girls are important. He says it is a feminist concept album because he hardly even goes on about GIRLS in it that much, which is true actually. That happy song didn’t even say anything about a GIRL…that other song did say about setting them on fire and nailing them to the wall though. He says that the album was an attempt to “eliminate what he sees as an understandable degree of uncertainty over what his attitude to women actually is” and I’m pretty sure he’s managed to not do that at all, although on one song he did say that a GIRL’s mum and dad were probably nice.

It’s finished now I didn’t notice.

There was a track 10 too apparently.

I don’t know how I can possibly turn this into a calculable points total. I’ll give it a go.

Songs where I could hear words: 2/10

Songs that were so boring I couldn’t even hear them: 4/10

Songs with emotions about liking GIRLS: 4/10

Songs about being happy: 1/10

Total: 11/40 which is 1.375 stars

Nearly twice as good as Daft Punk.

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